Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Me versus Clas Greve: A thing I wrote about the movie Headhunters

[Ed. - This is a review, of sorts, of Headhunters, which was recommended to me by @jmuspratt. It is rife with spoilers. In fact, it's nothing but spoilers. And it'll only be funny if you've seen the movie. So I guess it's not a review. It's just a thing I wrote. Enjoy.]

Imagine you're a military hero who has entered civilian life and, through a combination of innovation and charisma, risen to become the millionaire CEO of a huge corporation. You're also a very attractive human. (Lucky you.) But your huge corporation is faltering, and you think a merger with a competitor might save it.

Given this situation, I would call the rival president and discuss stock options.

But Clas Greve decides to fake his own resignation and attempt to get himself installed as CEO of his rival, where he can orchestrate a buyout from the inside.

Given this situation, I would phone the headhunter leading the candidate search and ask if he wanted to get lunch, assuming that as the ex-CEO of a major rival, I'd get a call back.

But Clas Greve decides to hire a hooker to seduce the married headhunter, assuming that she can then introduce them. (Because obviously your fuckbuddy's buddy is a better job candidate than a globally recognized CEO.) Unfortunately for Clas Greve, said headhunter terminates the affair when he correctly deduces said hooker is a raving psycho.

Given this situation, I'd revert to Plan A: call the headhunter and ask for an interview.

But Clas Greve decides to seduce the headhunter's hot wife, assuming she will then be more than happy to make the introduction. (Because as anybody who's ever eaten breakfast knows, the first rule of having an affair is, "Always make sure your lover gets plenty of quality time with your spouse.")

Given this situation, and being the attractive millionaire ex-war-hero CEO I am, I'd probably walk up to the headhunter's hot wife and lay one on her.

But Clas Greve concocts a ludicrous story about a potentially valuable piece of art in his attic. What he doesn't know is that his target will mention this nonexistent art to husband, who (wouldn't you know it!) is an amateur art thief who promptly burgles Clas Greve's home, but inexplicably decides to call his wife halfway through, at which point her cell phone, which she unfortunately left under Clas Greve's bed, rings, alerting him to the fact that his wife has been, er, gettin' some. At this juncture, the headhunter wisely decides to not hire Clas Greve.

Now Clas Greve doesn't know why the headhunter turned against him. But here he performs the only logical action in the whole movie, which is to go on a murderous rampage across Norway in a ludicrous attempt to kill the headhunter because, um, I don't know. But rampages are awesome!

Seriously, I wanted to like Headhunters, which is the highest-grossing Norwegian film of all time, which probably explains Norway's global domination. It's part art heist, part thriller, and part gross-out gore flick. I forgave the fat-guy-air-balloons and the microtransmitter-in-the-hair-gel. But no matter how far I tried to suspend my disbelief, I couldn't get over the fact that I could beat Clas Greve at fucking tic tac toe. Idiocy is not a compelling character trait in a villain.

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